Sex-Calorie Chart

ACTIVITY	CALORIES  BURNED	ACTIVITY	CALORIES BURNED
REMOVING CLOTHES:		ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
With partner's consent	12	Shoes flew off	35
Without partner's consent	187	Expression didn't change	1/2
UNHOOKING BRA:		Orchestra swelled	6
Using two calm hands	7	Birds sang
Using one trembling hand	36	...Large birds	7
Lifting partner	15	...Small birds	3
Dragging partner on floor	16	Earth moved	30
Using a skateboard	3	PULLING OUT:
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:		After orgasm................	1/2
For normal healthy man	2.5	A few moments before orgasm	500
Losing erection	14	PENIS ENVY:
Searching for it	115	For a woman	3
PUTTING ON CONDOM:		For a man	72
With erection	1.5	GUILT:
Without erection	300	Despite no formal training, orgasm comes easily	53
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:		You're enjoying sex,despite the fact that other people are starving	2
If the woman who does it is experienced	6	Sex on your lunch hour	3
If the woman who does it is inexperienced	73	Putting it on expense account	20
If a man does it	680	AGGRAVATION:
Retrieving it from across the room	5	Partner keeps showing plants	5
ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:		Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay	14
Italian- Man on top,woman in kitchen	26	Partner visiting bathroom for 7th time	10
Russian- Woman on bottom, man getting permission	55	Partner taking phone calls	7
American- Both on top	60	Partner making phone calls	40
SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE:		GETTING CAUGHT:
Bouncing	7	By partner's spouse	60
Sliding around	9	By your spouse	100
Serious skidding	12	Trying to explain	55
Whiplash	27	Trying to remain calm	100
ORGASM:		Leaping out of bed	75
Real	27	Getting dressed in one motion	500
Faked	160	Thanking partner quickly	2