We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, Trojan Condoms. 

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image of our product. A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom is not considered romantic. 

We did admire your efforts to firm it up by using poly-grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken, we would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip. 

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time, we will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide there is a market for micro-mini condoms. 

We send greetings to your wife and/or girlfriend and our deepest sympathy. 
Yours very truly, 
Burley Dick, 
President 
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY INC. 

P.S. Remember our slogans: 
Cover your stump before you hump 
Don't be silly, protect your willie 
Never deck her with a unwrapped pecker 
Before you attack her, wrap your wacker 
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.